From the World Health Organization to the Associations of Psychologists around the globe, we have now received a set of recommendations for times of social distancing and social isolation. We know that we will benefit from controlling the intake of daily news around Covid-19, while seeking reliable sources only; that exercise and meditation are, as always, highly beneficial; that keeping routines and planning our days will help us recreate a sense of ‘normality’ at a time where normality is seldom found; and that technology should serve as an aid for extending contacts with friends and family in times of social distancing. How do these general recommendations apply to the experience of being an expat? How can we hold these recommendations in mind for people living outside their own country of reference and often standing from a position of marked cultural difference? And is there a substantial difference for people who are not expats but ‘nationals’?
Not everyone relates to ideas of control similarly; feelings and beliefs about what lies within one’s immediate action are very much learned in the family context. People with an internal locus of control, whatever differences in cultural history, will tend to take extra responsibility for most things, even things happening clearly beyond their scope. These are particularly challenging times for people whose internalized locus of control takes the form of chronic health anxiety. Online therapeutic help can be essential in this situation. But there are other situations where psychological and psychotherapeutic thinking may prove useful, whether or not you end up reaching for specialized help at this point.
For expats who have not lived long in national territory, there may be situational anxieties finding their place in the person’s personal history. Fears may exist regarding the Portuguese health system, how it will cope with a pandemic crisis and how the system will account for people who are not fellow nationals, in a situation of emergency. Although any public health system may show weakness and failures in responding to a generalized crisis of this scale, the idea of being a cultural ‘Other’ may bring an extra layer of anxiety. Other fears my relate to geographical distance towards one’s own biological kin in a situation of crisis, coupled with worries and concern for their well-being. Feelings of being estranged or entrapped in a different country are not uncommon here. Being humans, relation to kin will vary enormously. From an expat position, however, one may feel that a certain alignment is missing for greater safety at this troubled time, that alignment consisting of a sense of protection in being in one’s country of origin, amongst health systems which are more familiar and working in the person’s native tongue, coupled with greater proximity to one’s blood relatives. Objectively speaking, all of these safety blankets may be brought down by logical reasoning. For instance: how is the situation being handled in one’s country of origin? Is the state response and the public medical health system more adequate or less adequate than one’s current country? How much has the relation to blood relatives been marked by true closeness, cooperation and solidarity over the years? Would being geographically closer to them truly make a difference at this point? In what way? Although all of these fears may be rationalized ‘against’, emotions, as often, may not follow suit while holding to a life of their own.
Self-isolating. How and who with?
Other aspects concern what kind of confinement you are practising at the moment. Being a national citizen or being an expat citizen, there will be different forms of isolation during this period, each with its set of challenges. The form of isolation one will end up in – by oneself, in a couple relation or isolating as part of a family with children – will substantially determine the experience, while giving nationals and expats similar challenges.
Individuals in isolation
Being human and social, we are not made for prolonged isolation. For responsible individuals abiding by the self-isolation rule, how you will cope with the prolonged experience of being with yourself very much depends on the overall state of your relationships. ‘Aloneness’ and loneliness can have a different quality, even at times of social distancing. Technology can provide us with substantial bits of human interaction. But should the overall state of your relations, pre-virus, be lacking in some significant aspects (trust, intimacy, vulnerability, camaraderie, etc.) you will feel all that lack even more while in seclusion. Feeling an acute sense of loneliness when alone can beg the question of what forms of loneliness you have been feeling in relation to others, long before the crisis. Looking at your life recently, what moments, times or situations, do you remember feeling lonely among others? What wasn’t expressed? What wasn’t listened to or welcomed? Is this the right time to reach out to people in your life and use technology for starting conversations about this? Is being in another country, in this particular set of circumstances, the right time to start these conversations? And if not, why not? Seclusion, for the individual staying in confinement, may be an opportunity for doing some thinking around these issues and maybe that thinking and the clarity coming with it will prove more important than specific actions at this point.
Couples in isolation
For couples in seclusion, talking psychologically, it is time to be aware of what psychologists call the ‘fundamental attribution error’. This is the kind of error that makes you attribute to the relation (or to the other individual) what does not necessarily belong to the couple or even to the other individual in the relation, but rather, what belongs to the exceptional situation we are in at the moment. Facing a global pandemic outside the house is probably not the right time to openly question and discuss the state of your couple relation, as it stands. Doing so at the height of the crisis risks an unnecessary escalation of many feelings. Rather, it is the time to bring back whatever strengths and competences you have as a couple while also using technology to extend social interactions outside the home, namely, connecting to kin and friends in other countries.
Couples with children
For couples with children, these are testing times indeed. The family home is not supposed to replace all the other systems and support networks (work, school, grandparents, etc). Expat couples with children, nevertheless, are often already operating away from the extended social network (grandparents, etc) which may give them some leeway in all of this. However, when seclusion forces parents and children to stay indoors for a prolonged period, while uncertainty runs high, too much is being asked. Parents may worry about grandparents, themselves and children, simultaneously. In a situation where we are all learning to cope as we go, parents will feel lacking in what should distinguish them from children: a sense that they have most of the answers and know what to do next. An increase in child anxiety will mean greater demands for attention in parents juggling work and family obligations. Child anxiety is unlikely to be satisfied by active denial of the situation and simply pretending all will be fine. There is a fine balance between reassurance and honesty. Both are needed at this point. Remind your child of the importance of the actions that you are doing together, such as self-isolation. Depending on age, elicit your child’s help in planning the routines for the forthcoming days. That will give them a sense of control in a world lacking it.
Parents may also take on a role of doing much as possible and never stopping, in order to avoid having to sit with their own “child-like” emotions about all happening at this point: fear, uncertainty, anger. Depleted parents, more often, turn into depleted couples. Once more, it is not the time to question the overall state of your relation as a couple but to salvage and remember strengths and competences, whatever they are. What are you good at, as a couple? What have you done right together over the last few days? Deliberately praise your partner for what you have achieved together during these difficult days. Small actions count because no successful action taken together is small at this point. With the kids in bed it is advisable to finish the excuses for not reconnecting with yourself and how you are feeling. Have an emotional check-in, even if that involves ten minutes of meditation music and some deep breathing with your phones on. Where are you in all of this? What emotions are flowing inside you at this point? Can you look at your partner beyond the potential frustration, anger and resentment which may be building out of the whole situation and see somebody that is just as scared by current events? Can you reach out and talk about how you are both feeling? Compassion requires inner clarity. Remember that if you have been blocking your feelings at this point in order to carry on, it is unlikely that you will be able to relate to those around you on a meaningful level: partner, children or both. Can you use technology to reconnect with friends or extended family, even with time constraints of children around the house the whole day?
Don’t forget to breathe
And having said all this, take a deep breath. We are much in need of a deep breath at the moment. Under the burden that we have been putting on ecosystems for many decades, this crisis was somehow expected. After mourning our losses, there will be rolling of sleeves required for ourselves and children, in years to come, to ensure there is a form of economy in place and a liveable somewhere for generations to follow. For now: stay in, stay healthy, stay connected with yourself and your emotions, keep breathing, connect socially while distancing, reach out emotionally while isolating. Remember that there will be differences between being an expat or not being an expat, but truly, we are all in this together. Keep loving.