As a psychologist, approaching three weeks of isolation while seeing clients online, I am thinking of behaviour adjustments in the Covid-19 crisis. Both in therapy and in my personal life, a topic that seems to be emerging revolves around attitudes towards packages entering the home from the ‘outside’. What is the right way to proceed with packages? Will the right scientific sources point us on the direction of best practices? And are packages a topic in itself, or the example of a much larger set of household negotiations we are having to go through at this point in time? What can psychology remind us about the nature of the conflict emerging from this negotiation?
The psychology of Covid-19?
Covid-19 is a reality, not a predominant ‘psychological’ issue, in the sense that many people understand the word ‘psychology’. I argue that being a reality doesn’t put it above psychology, or ‘outside’ psychology. Whatever crisis is being brought upon us, this crisis will find a place in our personal histories, family and social relations, shaping these personal histories and relations, while being shaped by them in return. Keeping up with credible scientific sources to understand what the right set of behaviours is, regardless to say, fundamental at this point. Yet even credible scientific sources forget to remind us of the compassion and understanding needed dealing with Covid-19 changes, particularly with the people we share our lives with.
Ana and Paul: Covid-19, packages, safety and risk taking
In order to illustrate my point, let me start with an allegory. I will talk of two people who don’t exist in real life or in my clinical practice, but hopefully sum up bits of many of us at this point. I will call them Ana and Paul
Ana and Paul are a couple. They have been together for a few years. They have a five-year old called Richard. As often with couples (and as remarked by Esthel Perel, the renowned couples’ therapist), what attracts couples in the beginning of a relationship is, very often, exactly what creates a problem in the relation, further down the line. Early in their relation, a particular kind of dynamics was set between Paul and Ana. In this duo, Ana is the risk averse person, striving for security and reassurance. Paul is the risk ‘taker’, in that he is more open to experiences carrying an element of uncertainty, while seeking an escape from repetition and everyday routine. This dynamic stems from from their individual, family histories.
Ana comes from a home where the outside world, society, was presented as dangerous. Being a grown up and acting like one, in Ana’s family, was about creating all kinds of safety mechanism to reduce risk and instability. Paul comes from a home where attitudes towards risk where a source of struggle in the parental couple. Paul was raised by a risk averse father (similar to Ana’s folks in some way) and an ‘discovery-oriented’ mother. Paul grew up observing the struggles of his mother rejecting the kind of set family routines often imposed on women, in order to live a life more filled with a sense of adventure and freer from repetition. After some adolescent resentment towards his mother, as a grown-up, Paul has come to identify with this side of her. When meeting Ana, however, Paul was somehow attracted to the side of Ana that seeks stability, felt as a counter-balance to his own nature. On Ana’s side, when meeting Paul, she was somehow attracted to his less cautious nature.
Reality creeps in: there is a package at the door
When a package comes through the door, both Paul and Ana are invited to revisit their own attitudes towards risk, embodied in their personal and family histories. Ana steps us. She feels all possible precautions need to be taken. She believes the package should be opened outside the space of the house and the cardboard should not be allowed inside the home. Hands should be immediately washed afterwards, and the cardboard disposed of, with gloves. All of this should be followed by additional handwashing. Paul looks at her, with resentment. He is seeing a pattern of risk avoidance which feels exaggerated, something creeping into their relationship long before Covid-19 did. Both are feeling under additional pressure, with Richard around the house, more than usual. Showing hesitancy on what to do may increase Richard’s anxiety. Paul acquiesces to Ana’s deliberations, with resentment. As the dynamic extends to other conducts and behaviours over the following weeks or months, resentment builds. You see, there is more than one element of risk symbolized by the package standing outside the house. This package may just serve as a mirror of a particular kind of imbalance between avoiding and accepting risks, long shaping their relation.
Psychology meets common sense: time-out, think, communicate
What can we say to Ana and Paul? In a way, what do we need to remind people sharing a space at this point, whether they are flatsharing within a group of peers or living with other family members? Firstly, we can remind them that no crisis is completely ‘external’. Whatever set of behaviours science is encouraging us to take on, being human, we will bring our own histories into it, particularly our histories of attitudes towards risk. A great part of these attitudes towards risk are learned in our own family narratives, by continuity or opposition. Secondly, in a world changing political rules and household behaviours week by week, it is perfectly OK to take some TIME-OUT in order to work through what is, and isn’t, acceptable to you in terms of Covid-19 related rules. Reaching clarity in yourself is essential for a clear negotiation with others. Remember that in unprecedent circumstances, you are not expected to have all the answers straightway.
Last but not least, it is advisable to set times apart from home routines and obligations and to keep talking with the people you share a live with, about how you are feeling all of this and what meanings are you forming of it all. If you want to start a conversation about how risk was lived and perceived in your own family and personal history, how that might be influencing where you are at present, you may just help to create a sense of empathy with the people closer to you. Entering these intimate spaces of negotiation with others with a sense of humility, compassion and honesty may just help us revisit the people next to us in a different way, as humans who are just as scared, vulnerable and hopeful. It may just, at this point, makes us feel less lonely.
Pedro Oliveira, www.lisbonpsychotherapy.com